i repent

I spoke of things I knew not of.

I professed that the highest calling of this life was simply to love the One we were made for. Amen.
But the truth is I have not known what it is to love Him.

To love the LORD is in part:

to love His judgments
desire His ways
fear His name
cherish humility

I thought that I knew much about my King and His kingdom. I was, and I am wrong. I know little and almost nothing. Yet ignorance is not an excuse. He has made Himself known. In the word and in the Word made flesh, He is known in part. And in my ignorance, there are parts of Him that I have refused to see, and parts of myself that I have likewise been blind to. If the eyes of my heart have been opened now, even though I see as through a slit, the things I see in myself terrify me. This is not patronizing nor self-deprecating. It is truth. I have been, and I am prideful, arrogant, jealous, and whatever is the complete opposite of loving. When I catch a glimpse of the sinful nature of my flesh and how often I choose to live out of it, I want to run and hide forever in my shame. The only thing that prevents me is love. Perfect love casts out fear. The terror of sin is nothing in comparison with the great power of the Father's love. Nothing.

It is this love that has enabled me, even to the smallest degree, to look at the weight and depth of my sin. It could only be love to allow someone to see their need for grace. And how great that Love would be if it removed the shame and punishment of sin, and yet let us see the weight of it in order that we would mourn our carnal condition and turn to the Savior of our soul in order to be renewed day by day. Love and sin are not competing.
Where sin abounds, grace (and love) abound all the more.

The continuation of what I have ignored in the past but now greatly desire to see, is that there is more to His love than the end of sin.
His love is justice. Righteousness. Authority. Glory. Weight.
His love is entangled in His complete and right judgements of my heart. I cannot know Him without knowing Him as the perfect Judge. The terror of sin is gone; no fear of evil and no fear of man. Now, I am longing and hopefully learning to replace them with the fear of His Name. How foolish would I be if I looked into the face of the LORD of hosts without trembling? Our God is a consuming fire, and the fear of Him is the beginning of Wisdom. I see now that fear is to be greatly desired. I pray for Him to teach me, and I humble myself before Him that I might begin to learn things as they are. I know very little and almost nothing. All I can do is repent. Repent of my pride, humble myself, and set my heart towards His face. The Holy Spirit, the Counselor, wants to teach me all things. I pray that I will have eyes to see and ears to hear.