nothing but pursuing grace

I am selfish. I am learning more and more that i am really selfish. A selfish, prideful, error-filled sinner. Everyday and every hour, i mess up. I mess up and i'm beginning to see this more and more, and it often fills me with sadness and frustration, just to know that i will never get it completely right. I will always be filled with error, and yet, somehow, i am still considered holy in the eyes of God through Christ's blood. Holy, righteous, clean??? It confuses me so much to hear these words in reference to my heart. Can it be true? Can life be new? Could it be all that I am is only in You? Can grace really be all-sufficient for even me? Can forgiveness really cleanse that deep?
The Lord has said, "come let us reason together, though your sins were as scarlet, they will be white as snow..." But I honestly have just had a really hard time believing that. Especially this semester, I have understood with my mind, and yet not with my heart. Grace makes sense is theory, but not in the reality of the depth of my sin. When it comes down to the barest facts, my sin is too much, and God's grace is too weak. This is what I have believed. Wrongly, yet i have believed it.


But Christ refutes this. He says no. He has defeated death in order that He might face the powers of hell and sin and shout them down and proclaim that they no longer have any power over me simply because I am His child and He has bought my FREEDOM! This is the beautiful, simple, wonderful love of the the Saviour. Uncomplicated, unmerited, unretreating, this grace is too good to be real, and yet....


The Lord recently taught me a lesson about this grace when I was in a state of doubt. I wanted to believe that God could cleanse and forgive, but i spent too long telling myself that my sin was beyond redemption. So while i was in Daytona Beach on my spring break trip, the Lord slowly but surely began working on my heart. The last meeting of Daytona, the message was about God's grace. I heard it, I heard the grace and forgiveness being preached, I heard it and I wanted to believe it, but my sin was shouting so loudly in my ear. I couldn't shut it out. I couldn't believe that it could be forgiven, much less forgotten. I ended up sitting on a balcony, praying to the Lord, crying out and asking if His grace could really be enough for me. He answered me in a way that only He would design. A couple rooms over, there were some drunk students hanging out on there balcony, watching the end of the crusade meeting that was still taking place below us. They were mocking, in their drunken state they basically cursed God and laughed at anyone who would dare to believe in something so silly as his love. As I sat and heard their jokes, a voice echoed in my head,
"What's the difference between you and them?"
"What do you possibly mean?" I asked, not understanding.
"What's the difference?"
I quickly went through a list in my head: Christian upbringing (no, that could not be it, I has no idea how they had been raised), Sin (NO, Christ has made me so aware of my sin, I could not deny that it the presence of a holy God, I was just as guilty as they), Being a better person (no, that's just ridiculous).
"What's the difference?"
Only one thing,
"Oh Christ, I want you. I want you, all of you. I am in love with you my Saviour. Nothing makes me worthy, but Lord, I want you."
Then I am yours, my child. I require nothing else, simply that you desire me in your life. If you want me, then I am yours.


That's the beauty of simple grace. Freely given, it payed for freedom too costly for us to attain on our own. Release from guilt, shame, and sin, This grace is too good to be real, and yet...and yet...not bound by our understanding, grace still abounds.