I write this blog... have no idea if anyone at all reads it( doubt it) but i write it anyways. It clears my mind, helps me explain myself, and gives me a place to empty my thoughts when no one wants to hear me talk. So i write.
These are my thoughts:
I went running tonight. I love running. Put my music on and empty my mind of everything but the song, the road, and the movement. Muscles straining, out of breath, sweating, tired, out of shape, but somehow, i love it. When i go running, i get make my body do what i want it to do. No one watching. No judgments and no justification. My body lets go. I'm pretty sure that when I'm running is the one time when my mind is completely free from worrying about what my body looks like. A t-shirt, shorts, sneakers, and the road, and i am free. Straining my muscles, but my body is relaxed. It's completely at home in the fact that when i'm running i am unaware of my own opinion of my body.
I am leaving in about eight days for Seattle. Lots of little things to tie up before then. Nursing stuff: malpractice insurance, immunization records, 2nd tb test, CPR certification, scrubs, english class, and a background check. I keep freaking out that these things are done yet, but then somehow my freaking out doesn't lead me to actually accomplishing them. I just push them to the side and then worry some more that they're not finished yet. Smart? No. And Seattle stuff, thank you notes, support, packing, cleaning. I can't even think about it. I just want out. Let it all go, all the little things that i have stored up as worries in my mind and head out on this great adventure. Let's go Jesus, you and me. Help me to accomplish all the little things, so that i can focus on the only importance in this world. Only You.
TWLOHA is such a passion of mine. I love this organization and it is so important. Love( God's love) is the only thing that can combat the darkness in this world, and there is so much darkness. Sometimes, Christians have tendency to downplay the pain We say that we should focus on the good things. We should be thankful for what we have. Count our blessings. Yeah, if we are blessed in Christ than we should be thankful because we are freaking redeemed. That is our blessing. How dare we, who have it all, lecture those who are suffering without Christ, telling them that it's their fault, or that they should look for the silver lining. There is no freaking silver lining without Christ! There is nothing! You can't tell people to cheer up and look for hope if they don't know Christ. There is no hope apart from Him. If we forgotten that, than we don't know what blessings are. So when we see those who are struggling through this world, in pain, in darkness, instead of judging all their sinful, horrible actions, why don't we show them the one thing that they need? Show Love. Write Love. With our actions, with our speech, with the simple way that we live and interact in this world that is not our home. Do we show people why our lives our different? Do we show them why we can see the silver lining? Do we see it? Because yes, this world is freaking full of pain and we are going to feel some of that if we live here, but we can count our blessings because we are saved. Do others see that in us and desire that salvation? Do we show them that there is hope and rescue from the very real pain in this world. We have to. That is our response to the love that we now know. That is our thankfulness. Love apart from moral finger-pointing and judgment, loving others like we have been loved. Writing love on the bleeding, scarred arms of the world.
I don't know why i'm obsessed with writing intense things. I think about intense things alot, and i guess that simple things are the stuff that most people want to hear about. Or at least, simple things are the ones that are easier to talk about. Yeah, i might be thinking about Somalia, or teenagers struggling with depression, or body issues, or fair trade, or pediatric nursing, or prisons, but you really don't want a twenty minute conversation about something that you feel like doesn't apply to you, so I'm not about to pour my heart out and lay my honest emotions and thoughts on the line so you can look at me like i'm crazy. If you don't want to hear about child trafficking on cocoa plantations in Ghana, then i'm not gonna tell you about it, but when you ask me what's going on in my head, don't expect to get a deep answer. All the thoughts that are genuine and sincere are too intense or "boring" or whatever and no one really wants to hear it, so i write about it. I have to get it out somehow.
Zimbabwe is like in complete chaos right now. There's a scheduled run-off election June 27th between Mugabe and Tsvaingari(sp?), of the Zanu-PF and MDC parties respectively. There have been so many examples of intimidation tactics, mostly coming from the Zanu-PF party. There have been widespread reports of Zanu-PF torture camps set up to convince people to vote for Mugabe. Sixty-five people at minimum have been reported as killed in the post election violence. Now, all the aid organizations have been kicked out of Zimbabwe. In a country where literally millions of people depend on food aid for basic survival, they are now not receiving any. Zimbabwe is falling apart and most Americans not only don't know, they really wouldn't care if they were informed, simply because they feel like a far-off African country doesn't apply to them. I guess i can understand that...kind of...but that doesn't describe me. Somehow, whatever happens in Zimbabwe does apply to me. I care a heck of a whole lot, and if someone gave me the chance to be in Zimbabwe right now, i would take it in a heartbeat.
Currently 1:10 am.... I have been writing for hours. Bed time. Good night.
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