acres of hope

I often find myself in this paralyzing fear of being wrong. Saying the wrong thing, doing something that will bother someone, not doing something that I'm supposed to do, not being smart enough, not having the right answer, even though sometimes there is no specific right answer at all. Why do i struggle so much with just being myself? Why am I so afraid to be seen or heard? Am I afraid that I will be misunderstood? Or am i afraid that I will be really seen?
Why have i been so consistently paralyzed by this fear? Why am I afraid to really be myself?

No more, I am tired of this insecurity. I know that growing away from it is a slow process and I will always be learning, but I will not stop growing. I refuse to hide from who I am. I will embrace myself the way that the Lord has created me. If I am not condemned by Him, how then should I condemn myself? I will not. I will learn to be joyful about being the Workmanship of the Living God. I have made mistakes and I am not done with making them. I am a sinner. A sinner saved only by grace and my past, present, and future have been reconciled with the Lord through the blood of Christ.

Looking back on the road so far
I see the journey's left it share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight

Looking back it's clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back you know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk through rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see
How my failures bring humility
Brings me to my knees
Helps me see my need for Thee

Though I questioned the sky, now i see why
Had to walk through rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love


Looking back over the course of my life, and even over my semester and my year, I can definitely see that the journey has left it's share of scars. Scars from doubting the beauty of God's plan for me, scars from denying His mercy, scars from hating myself. Scars on my arms and scars on my heart. For so long, I have seen these scars and been so ashamed of my sin. Covered in guilt, refusing to truly accept the grace in which I am called to stand, my scars became a visible reminder of my sin. I saw them as a way to constantly tell myself that I was nothing but a screw-up.
A friend once told me to see my scars differently. At the time, i didn't fully understand how that could happen, or what he even meant by that. Now, weeks close to a month later, I can grasp this concept more fully. Looking back, even over my scars, I see the lead of love. My failures are failures indeed, but they have helped me to see my need for the Lord. The have brought me to my knees and therefore closer to His side. Christ has brought me through, and I can see how walking through the rocks has produced a mountain view. Guided by the lead of love, Christ has brought me through it all. Even the times when left His path, Christ did not leave me. I have been led by His hand into this Grace in which I now Stand. Unashamed, Uncondemned, Accepted and Loved.