"Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not recieve the Kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all."
-Jesus
When you go through a world such as this one, the perversion and confusion of it all changes the way you see things. Your eyes begin to take on a new lens. It doesn't matter what your life has looked like, where you've been, or who've known. Some people have seen more than others, but we have all seen enough.
When I thought briefly about what I have seen in my 21 short years, it broke me.
I have seen injustice as thick as a blanket large enough to cover a nation and silence those who cry for mercy. I have seen the hunger of orphans swallowed up by the greed of rich bureaucracy. I have seen prisons full of mothers who left behind children that had no choice but to grow up in their absence. I have seen dreams put to death in favor of efficiency, and desire sacrificed on the altar of best interest. I watched the stories of lust replacing love, and pity being substituted for compassion.
This is no Eden.
All of these horrors and numerous others find their way in front of my face and slowly into my heart. They assault me night and day until I want to shut my eyes to the world completely and give way to the cynicism waiting to consume me.
Yet how could I listen the voice of a loving Father if I let the things that I have seen teach me about trust?
Bitterness does not remind me of the stories He told of abundant life, though it is an easier course and a wider road. I could certainly swallow the poison of hopelessnesss and lay aside the difficulties of faith and expectation. It would nothing more than a natural response to the state of the world.
Or.....there is another option.
I could get new eyes. Eyes of innocence.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
the circle of One who never ends
I must dream.
It is the call of being alive. To live a life without desire is nothing more than mundane, and I refuse to walk through this world as though I am merely another animal.
I must dream, and these fantasies must be bold and beautiful.
And so, I find myself at His feet again. The only thing worth dreaming about is love. It alone is wild enough, vast enough, and rich enough. He is love. No one else is love. Only Him.
So what else can I dream about? What else can I long for?
He starts all my dreams, and they all end up with nothing else left.
I must speak.
I cannot ignore this burning in my heart and soul. This fire would consume me if left alone, so I must find a way to pour it out. But how? What should be done with passion as intense as white-hot flames? The answer must be in the source.
So I look to the maker of my soul, and I see that I burn for the joy of His salvation and the longing of His face.
What else could I do with these flames but pour them out at His feet in worship, and then use them as a testimony to spark the same in others? Fire that is born of the Lord will not be quenched in any other way but in His presence, and even there, it will not go out, but only grow.
Dreams and flames and all such things are the same. They come from Him, are satisfied by Him, and then in His glory they are sparked anew. Our lives are eternity already. And the best part is that we have forever to discover them and waste them at His feet.
It is the call of being alive. To live a life without desire is nothing more than mundane, and I refuse to walk through this world as though I am merely another animal.
I must dream, and these fantasies must be bold and beautiful.
And so, I find myself at His feet again. The only thing worth dreaming about is love. It alone is wild enough, vast enough, and rich enough. He is love. No one else is love. Only Him.
So what else can I dream about? What else can I long for?
He starts all my dreams, and they all end up with nothing else left.
I must speak.
I cannot ignore this burning in my heart and soul. This fire would consume me if left alone, so I must find a way to pour it out. But how? What should be done with passion as intense as white-hot flames? The answer must be in the source.
So I look to the maker of my soul, and I see that I burn for the joy of His salvation and the longing of His face.
What else could I do with these flames but pour them out at His feet in worship, and then use them as a testimony to spark the same in others? Fire that is born of the Lord will not be quenched in any other way but in His presence, and even there, it will not go out, but only grow.
Dreams and flames and all such things are the same. They come from Him, are satisfied by Him, and then in His glory they are sparked anew. Our lives are eternity already. And the best part is that we have forever to discover them and waste them at His feet.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
i repent
I spoke of things I knew not of.
I professed that the highest calling of this life was simply to love the One we were made for. Amen.
But the truth is I have not known what it is to love Him.
To love the LORD is in part:
to love His judgments
desire His ways
fear His name
cherish humility
I thought that I knew much about my King and His kingdom. I was, and I am wrong. I know little and almost nothing. Yet ignorance is not an excuse. He has made Himself known. In the word and in the Word made flesh, He is known in part. And in my ignorance, there are parts of Him that I have refused to see, and parts of myself that I have likewise been blind to. If the eyes of my heart have been opened now, even though I see as through a slit, the things I see in myself terrify me. This is not patronizing nor self-deprecating. It is truth. I have been, and I am prideful, arrogant, jealous, and whatever is the complete opposite of loving. When I catch a glimpse of the sinful nature of my flesh and how often I choose to live out of it, I want to run and hide forever in my shame. The only thing that prevents me is love. Perfect love casts out fear. The terror of sin is nothing in comparison with the great power of the Father's love. Nothing.
It is this love that has enabled me, even to the smallest degree, to look at the weight and depth of my sin. It could only be love to allow someone to see their need for grace. And how great that Love would be if it removed the shame and punishment of sin, and yet let us see the weight of it in order that we would mourn our carnal condition and turn to the Savior of our soul in order to be renewed day by day. Love and sin are not competing.
Where sin abounds, grace (and love) abound all the more.
The continuation of what I have ignored in the past but now greatly desire to see, is that there is more to His love than the end of sin.
His love is justice. Righteousness. Authority. Glory. Weight.
His love is entangled in His complete and right judgements of my heart. I cannot know Him without knowing Him as the perfect Judge. The terror of sin is gone; no fear of evil and no fear of man. Now, I am longing and hopefully learning to replace them with the fear of His Name. How foolish would I be if I looked into the face of the LORD of hosts without trembling? Our God is a consuming fire, and the fear of Him is the beginning of Wisdom. I see now that fear is to be greatly desired. I pray for Him to teach me, and I humble myself before Him that I might begin to learn things as they are. I know very little and almost nothing. All I can do is repent. Repent of my pride, humble myself, and set my heart towards His face. The Holy Spirit, the Counselor, wants to teach me all things. I pray that I will have eyes to see and ears to hear.
I professed that the highest calling of this life was simply to love the One we were made for. Amen.
But the truth is I have not known what it is to love Him.
To love the LORD is in part:
to love His judgments
desire His ways
fear His name
cherish humility
I thought that I knew much about my King and His kingdom. I was, and I am wrong. I know little and almost nothing. Yet ignorance is not an excuse. He has made Himself known. In the word and in the Word made flesh, He is known in part. And in my ignorance, there are parts of Him that I have refused to see, and parts of myself that I have likewise been blind to. If the eyes of my heart have been opened now, even though I see as through a slit, the things I see in myself terrify me. This is not patronizing nor self-deprecating. It is truth. I have been, and I am prideful, arrogant, jealous, and whatever is the complete opposite of loving. When I catch a glimpse of the sinful nature of my flesh and how often I choose to live out of it, I want to run and hide forever in my shame. The only thing that prevents me is love. Perfect love casts out fear. The terror of sin is nothing in comparison with the great power of the Father's love. Nothing.
It is this love that has enabled me, even to the smallest degree, to look at the weight and depth of my sin. It could only be love to allow someone to see their need for grace. And how great that Love would be if it removed the shame and punishment of sin, and yet let us see the weight of it in order that we would mourn our carnal condition and turn to the Savior of our soul in order to be renewed day by day. Love and sin are not competing.
Where sin abounds, grace (and love) abound all the more.
The continuation of what I have ignored in the past but now greatly desire to see, is that there is more to His love than the end of sin.
His love is justice. Righteousness. Authority. Glory. Weight.
His love is entangled in His complete and right judgements of my heart. I cannot know Him without knowing Him as the perfect Judge. The terror of sin is gone; no fear of evil and no fear of man. Now, I am longing and hopefully learning to replace them with the fear of His Name. How foolish would I be if I looked into the face of the LORD of hosts without trembling? Our God is a consuming fire, and the fear of Him is the beginning of Wisdom. I see now that fear is to be greatly desired. I pray for Him to teach me, and I humble myself before Him that I might begin to learn things as they are. I know very little and almost nothing. All I can do is repent. Repent of my pride, humble myself, and set my heart towards His face. The Holy Spirit, the Counselor, wants to teach me all things. I pray that I will have eyes to see and ears to hear.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
like a moth
Leave everything behind.
Fly towards the light.
You might hit a barrier along the way. You might hit more than one. There might even be barriers that you won't see until you collide head-on. That's okay. You will heal from the impact, and you will learn to recognize the blocks in your path.
Maybe you didn't even know that you have wings. You do.
Stretch yourself until you leave the ground of the ordinary, and your wings will catch you by surprise.
Fly with all your strength. The steady rhythm of movement may seem pointless at times. It's not. Your effort is valid, and it changes everything.
You will find that the light does more than look pretty.
It will completely consume you.
It will take over your body like a fire and burn in you forever.
This may seem like death.
It is.
Leave everything behind.
Fly into the Light.
Fly towards the light.
You might hit a barrier along the way. You might hit more than one. There might even be barriers that you won't see until you collide head-on. That's okay. You will heal from the impact, and you will learn to recognize the blocks in your path.
Maybe you didn't even know that you have wings. You do.
Stretch yourself until you leave the ground of the ordinary, and your wings will catch you by surprise.
Fly with all your strength. The steady rhythm of movement may seem pointless at times. It's not. Your effort is valid, and it changes everything.
You will find that the light does more than look pretty.
It will completely consume you.
It will take over your body like a fire and burn in you forever.
This may seem like death.
It is.
Leave everything behind.
Fly into the Light.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
isolation
Cold. Shivering. Uncomfortable.
Can't sleep. Can't get warm. Cold to your bones, not cool.
Tossing and turning. Scrunched shoulder that don't quite fit on a park bench that was built only for sitting. Shifting, turning, arms wrapped around yourself stupidly trying to keep your body warm. No blanket, no bedmate, no pillow.
When you're homeless, you have nothing but yourself, your own body, and whatever you find to lie upon. No mattress beneath you, no person beside you, no roof covering you.
You.
It's you, yourself, floating in the midst of a wide world that is unsure of how to respond to your touch. Some will shrink away. Some will draw near.
Of the ones who come close:
Some will only stare.
Some will promise much.
Some have nothing to give.
A few have grace in abundance.
How will you know the peoples' hearts? How many will you trust before the hurt and fear become too great? What will you give up on first? the government? the church?
How many people will you see with kindness in their words and pity in their eyes? How many times will you be handed treasure that is already fading away?
And when the whispers come of something more, will you let your heart believe or will you shrink away from the fear of being rejected by one more?
I don't have all the answers. I hardly have any of them. I don't know how to love you the way you deserve. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know who you are or where you've been.
I want to know you.
But even without your story, I can tell you we are the same. We are both humanity. We need Christ the same way. Both guilty without Him and both clean if we come under the banner of His name. The ways of the world are nothing but walls and confusion.
Barriers have been put in place, and even now are continually being erected. They exist only to create distance between people. That is the enemy's goal.
We have not yet begun to see what is happening but we feel the effects of the walls between each other. We are at a loss of how to reach each other, and if we stopped trying, the walls would eventually grow until we would become blind all together and forget that we were made for community.
Made for it and cannot function without it-- oh how dangerous these barriers are. In separating us from each other how quickly they have separated us from our Father. We have forgotten what it is to do life with another person. Can we remember what it means to do life with Him?
We must come back to community.
It is what He is doing. It is where He is.
"For He Himself is our peace; who made both groups into one and broke down the barrier of the dividing wall." Ephesians 2:15
The walls were broken the day He died, and if we looked with His eyes we would see only freedom. Our blindness has led us astray. Let us look again. Maybe we will finally see for the first time.
Humanity is family.
He loves us all the same.
He cares for us all the same.
He died for us all the same and wants us all the same.
[We have got to learn to love each other]
Can't sleep. Can't get warm. Cold to your bones, not cool.
Tossing and turning. Scrunched shoulder that don't quite fit on a park bench that was built only for sitting. Shifting, turning, arms wrapped around yourself stupidly trying to keep your body warm. No blanket, no bedmate, no pillow.
When you're homeless, you have nothing but yourself, your own body, and whatever you find to lie upon. No mattress beneath you, no person beside you, no roof covering you.
It's you, yourself, floating in the midst of a wide world that is unsure of how to respond to your touch. Some will shrink away. Some will draw near.
Of the ones who come close:
Some will only stare.
Some will promise much.
Some have nothing to give.
A few have grace in abundance.
How will you know the peoples' hearts? How many will you trust before the hurt and fear become too great? What will you give up on first? the government? the church?
How many people will you see with kindness in their words and pity in their eyes? How many times will you be handed treasure that is already fading away?
And when the whispers come of something more, will you let your heart believe or will you shrink away from the fear of being rejected by one more?
I don't have all the answers. I hardly have any of them. I don't know how to love you the way you deserve. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know who you are or where you've been.
I want to know you.
But even without your story, I can tell you we are the same. We are both humanity. We need Christ the same way. Both guilty without Him and both clean if we come under the banner of His name. The ways of the world are nothing but walls and confusion.
Barriers have been put in place, and even now are continually being erected. They exist only to create distance between people. That is the enemy's goal.
We have not yet begun to see what is happening but we feel the effects of the walls between each other. We are at a loss of how to reach each other, and if we stopped trying, the walls would eventually grow until we would become blind all together and forget that we were made for community.
Made for it and cannot function without it-- oh how dangerous these barriers are. In separating us from each other how quickly they have separated us from our Father. We have forgotten what it is to do life with another person. Can we remember what it means to do life with Him?
We must come back to community.
It is what He is doing. It is where He is.
"For He Himself is our peace; who made both groups into one and broke down the barrier of the dividing wall." Ephesians 2:15
The walls were broken the day He died, and if we looked with His eyes we would see only freedom. Our blindness has led us astray. Let us look again. Maybe we will finally see for the first time.
Humanity is family.
He loves us all the same.
He cares for us all the same.
He died for us all the same and wants us all the same.
[We have got to learn to love each other]
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
for me, it's words.
I have other thoughts, but these are the burning ones.
When the Lord gives you passion for something, He's not joking around. This world ain't no playground. You and I were created with a heavy glory upon us. Beautiful, vibrant, and adventurous, and heavy. This Glory invades your life the minute you accept Christ's proposal of marriage. When you give your life for His, your heart becomes the Holy of Holies, the dwelling place of the Living God.
For too long, we have been ignorant of the importance of our hearts, and quite frankly, if we want to live life the way that we were meant too, we can no longer afford this.
Your heart is a wellspring of life.
He has brought life to our hearts.
We need to learn to live out of them.
What is in your heart?
Wakeboarding, painting, writing, music, running, teaching, dancing?
It is not "what are you good at?" or "what have you learned to do?"
What is in your heart?
For me, it's words.
My heart beats out of my chest every time I get to write, everytime I get to speak in front of people. When I can express what I'm thinking on a blog or in a conversation, or speak truth into someone's life, or give testimony of His Goodness, I feel that Jeremiah 20:9 fire in my bones. And I love it.
This is the one thing that the Lord has encouraged me in over and over again. More times than I can remember, it has been prayed and prophesied over me that my mouth is an instrument in sharing the Lord's glory, and that He likes it when I speak for Him and about Him. Recently, I've also recieved prophesy encouraging me in writing. These things come up in dreams, in visions, and in everyday thoughts.
And everytime the Lord speaks to this desire in my heart, everytime He confirms His approval and encouragement, my heart soars. I grasp onto these confirmations and hold them close. They speak life to me. They tell me that it's okay to want things. That my heart is not stupid or dirty.
I want to speak. I want to write. I am not ashamed anymore.
In all of this, I have been fiercely opposed.
I cannot remember any time that I have spoken in front of anyone that I have not been discouraged in some way before or after and usually both. I write this blog and everytime I post, I am taunted with the idea that it doesn't matter. That my words are stupid and have no bearing.
My motives are attacked.
"You're so full of pride. You think you are so important. You just want attention."
My actions are attacked.
"You're not a writer. Look at them, they can write. You're just a joke." "You can't really speak. You don't even understand what you're talking about. No one agrees with you. You're hurting people. You're saying it wrong, that's not even in the Bible."
And I have made agreements with those lies. I have said in my heart that it must be true. I have told my heart that it is wrong to wish for opportunites to speak to packed crowds, that these desires were selfish. I told my heart that it was prideful for thinking that the things I write could be important and beautiful.
No more.
I broke those agreements.
I'm going after the desires of my heart.
I want the things that Jehovah told me He would give me when I delight in Him. It's time to give Him the chance.
Have you made agreements with the enemy regarding your heart?
Break them.
Ask Jesus what He put in You.
Fight the opposition.
Go after it.
When the Lord gives you passion for something, He's not joking around. This world ain't no playground. You and I were created with a heavy glory upon us. Beautiful, vibrant, and adventurous, and heavy. This Glory invades your life the minute you accept Christ's proposal of marriage. When you give your life for His, your heart becomes the Holy of Holies, the dwelling place of the Living God.
For too long, we have been ignorant of the importance of our hearts, and quite frankly, if we want to live life the way that we were meant too, we can no longer afford this.
Your heart is a wellspring of life.
He has brought life to our hearts.
We need to learn to live out of them.
What is in your heart?
Wakeboarding, painting, writing, music, running, teaching, dancing?
It is not "what are you good at?" or "what have you learned to do?"
What is in your heart?
For me, it's words.
My heart beats out of my chest every time I get to write, everytime I get to speak in front of people. When I can express what I'm thinking on a blog or in a conversation, or speak truth into someone's life, or give testimony of His Goodness, I feel that Jeremiah 20:9 fire in my bones. And I love it.
This is the one thing that the Lord has encouraged me in over and over again. More times than I can remember, it has been prayed and prophesied over me that my mouth is an instrument in sharing the Lord's glory, and that He likes it when I speak for Him and about Him. Recently, I've also recieved prophesy encouraging me in writing. These things come up in dreams, in visions, and in everyday thoughts.
And everytime the Lord speaks to this desire in my heart, everytime He confirms His approval and encouragement, my heart soars. I grasp onto these confirmations and hold them close. They speak life to me. They tell me that it's okay to want things. That my heart is not stupid or dirty.
I want to speak. I want to write. I am not ashamed anymore.
In all of this, I have been fiercely opposed.
I cannot remember any time that I have spoken in front of anyone that I have not been discouraged in some way before or after and usually both. I write this blog and everytime I post, I am taunted with the idea that it doesn't matter. That my words are stupid and have no bearing.
My motives are attacked.
"You're so full of pride. You think you are so important. You just want attention."
My actions are attacked.
"You're not a writer. Look at them, they can write. You're just a joke." "You can't really speak. You don't even understand what you're talking about. No one agrees with you. You're hurting people. You're saying it wrong, that's not even in the Bible."
And I have made agreements with those lies. I have said in my heart that it must be true. I have told my heart that it is wrong to wish for opportunites to speak to packed crowds, that these desires were selfish. I told my heart that it was prideful for thinking that the things I write could be important and beautiful.
No more.
I broke those agreements.
I'm going after the desires of my heart.
I want the things that Jehovah told me He would give me when I delight in Him. It's time to give Him the chance.
Have you made agreements with the enemy regarding your heart?
Break them.
Ask Jesus what He put in You.
Fight the opposition.
Go after it.
Monday, June 8, 2009
OneThing. One thing or nothing.
I want to say things as they are,
live for what's important,
and let everything else fall.
If I could speak my heart without fear of estranging others, I would not say half the things I say now. I would give up all semblance of normal conversation and I would talk of crazy things, of love and freedom and life abundant.
A time will come, when everything will change. There will be confusion, destruction, and persecution as we have never known.
Almost everything will fall.
If I am still on the earth when that day comes, I will be asked whether I will be known as a christian or as a member of the world.
In this tribulation, there will be joy in my heart to be known by only one thing.
Yes. I am one of those believers. No. I will not follow another.
I wait for this day,
and I pray for the Lover of my soul to hasten its coming and His.
In the world and not of it?
Yes, for today and maybe tomorrow.
But not forever. I was made for another world.
So were you.
live for what's important,
and let everything else fall.
If I could speak my heart without fear of estranging others, I would not say half the things I say now. I would give up all semblance of normal conversation and I would talk of crazy things, of love and freedom and life abundant.
A time will come, when everything will change. There will be confusion, destruction, and persecution as we have never known.
Almost everything will fall.
If I am still on the earth when that day comes, I will be asked whether I will be known as a christian or as a member of the world.
In this tribulation, there will be joy in my heart to be known by only one thing.
Yes. I am one of those believers. No. I will not follow another.
I wait for this day,
and I pray for the Lover of my soul to hasten its coming and His.
In the world and not of it?
Yes, for today and maybe tomorrow.
But not forever. I was made for another world.
So were you.
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